Dark Soul

She walked through life with an air of gloom and sadness; only that it was hidden in her heart. As they say, depression is sometimes a smiling face. So she carried the weight in her heart. Nobody knew it hurt, or how much it was eating her up.

She smiled and bore with her an aura of happiness that to everyone, it was business as usual. But, she still carried the weight.

The past few weeks had been the worst. She was broken in every sense, bruised and battered. But because the wounds were internal, nobody saw the scars. She had tried to speak, to share her worst fights and scariest battles, but each time she opened her mouth to speak, it seemed words were inadequate. So sometimes she would break down, in the bathroom or some other private place, or she would pen down what she felt and almost immediately destroy the evidence. It just felt like nobody could understand how hard she felt, even if they tried.

The few people who managed to hear a point or two on the issue told her she was strong, brave and could do it; that it was all in her head but nobody knew that she had reached the end. She could fight no longer, the burden was overwhelming and the person she could run to as her last resort had seemingly forsaken her. Alone, destitute… she bore on, hanging on to a thread.

It was hard to wake up, and hard to really eat too. Her body was also beginning to fail her. It wanted more attention, but she was too weak to give it. Her mind was a mess. She was buried in thought most of the time; things she could do with her eyes closed became difficult, almost like learning new tricks in old age.

It was too much.

One day, after all the tears, the notes, the “you can do it,” she could have it no longer and so she decided to make a drastic decision. She took the easy way out.

                                                            ****

Check on the strong ones, the smiling ones, the jovial ones. They could be suffering in silence.

“She is a beautiful piece of broken pottery, put back together by her own hands. And a critical world judges her cracks while missing the beauty of how she made herself whole again.”

“I won’t let pain turn my heart into something ugly. I will show you that surviving can be beautiful.”

The Young, The Foolhardy, The Dead

She sat in a state of confusion. I guess because nobody told her it would get to this point or how to deal with this, if it happened or when it happened. But it did and nobody gave her survival tools to deal with this uncertainty and she was left nonplussed, and battered.

The man she had known and loved cheated on her.

They had taught her how to be a wife; to care for and love him and his; to be there and hold his hand. She believed she had it all under control and as naiveté would have it, she never thought he would do it. I mean he loved her, or so he said. He vowed to be faithful, to be her lover and her best friend but in this one moment, he failed.

So, he cheated. He was like most men. And that is what hurt.

Her mind went back to that day she was robed in white and that dark tuxedo hid the painful truth of what lay behind the ceremony, the rosy smell, beautiful faces and wonderful bridesmaids. Most importantly, her mind went to the vows exchanged, the promises given. It was surreal; gave her hope in humanity but once again, her hopes were shattered.

She couldn’t believe it happened, or why it happened.

“I can explain,” he said. But the more he talked, the more she realized that she could not stand the lies that rang behind the voice that not so long ago made her heart beat a little faster. He made promises, but they were just ropes of sand and when she needed them to hold, they couldn’t. And that is what hurt.

She stood in front of her mirror and asked herself incessant questions:

“Am I not pretty enough? Am I not good enough? Where did I go wrong? Why? What….”

“It’s not you, it’s me…” enter, a cheater’s favorite line. “It’s deeper than you think…”

Deeper? She thought of how deep he went into this other woman that his love for her became so shallow.

I guess she was tired of the questions, the pain and wondering whether she would love him again, look in his eyes again, or just be near him again… she realized she wasn’t ready for this eventuality of life.  She decided to leave.

She still felt unworthy and blamed herself for what happened. She wanted to know the details; she wanted to get closure but she wasn’t ready to hear his lies. Everything coming out of him only seemed soiled and defiled. She just couldn’t.

So she tried to move on…. Convinced herself it was not her fault. There was something wrong with him and not her. She would be stronger and live her life.

It was all going on well until she remembered their first kiss; she remembered all the beautiful times they spent together and how they promised to love each other till death… although him dying would have been better. We should have stopped her when these thoughts begun to win her over…

She got the courage, or lack thereof and decided she would fix this; scratch that, fix a man who had given himself over to lust.

She navigated her way to their former home, and with tears in her eyes, she softly knocked.

Before he responded, it dawned on her that maybe she was about to ruin another steamy moment with the same intruder or maybe another. Her fears, which could have easily been a reality, overwhelmed her and she took a step back. She wasn’t ready.

She wasn’t ready to make things work, she wasn’t ready to get over it, and she wasn’t ready to act like it never happened. She had been good, faithful and had devoted her energy to making it work but he forgot all this at the slightest opportunity.

Her fears of what lay on the other side of the door made her rethink her decision and in a sure case of haste, drastic decisions were made. Her heart beat faster…until death do us part. That was the solution. Umm, not really but….

                                                                        ****

Some actions have consequences too dire to undo. He had committed a sin which made it difficult to move on. That is the serious lesson of life. Some actions can never be undone, and the consequences may take a lifetime to atone for.