We did it Joe!

 December 31, 2020.

I was dragging my feet, trying to force a smile. The year had shown me flames but perhaps the weeks leading up to the end of the year were the worst. I was tormented in every way imaginable. I faced the imminent fear of loss; I generally hate failure and loss and perhaps this is why it hurt the most. It felt like I was losing, scratch that, I was losing. I was going on a downward spiral.

Everything I had built was falling apart, even the very core of my existence was being torn away. The only way out? Death. Ironically, death felt like the solution. So, I prayed, earnestly and anxiously that I should go in my sleep; that I should only wake up in eternity. This was the first earnest prayer I had prayed in months. I was defeated. I had hit rock bottom.

But as the case had been for the last few months, God didn’t answer my prayer.

And so the new year wore on. It wasn’t ‘New Year, New Me,’ no! ‘New Year, Same Old Pain’ was more like it. I hid the internal torture from the world. The nights were filled with worry, anxiety, pain, tears but in the morning, I would get up, show up and force a smile. Sometimes the pain was masked easily; other times it showed up. But life went on, as it should.

Mistakes were made, failure was courted, friendships were lost and lessons were learnt. When it rained, it definitely poured.

However, good things happened too. Somehow the pain gave way to joy, hate gave birth to love, and peace begun to creep back in. Not all was lost, not everything had failed.

And here we are, December 29, 2021.

Looking back on how far I have come, how things have worked out, I am beside myself with tears of joy. God is faithful and I am not saying this in the Christian cliché kind of way, but I am saying this with the strongest conviction, I am saying this as someone who has struggled with faith. I would have died on December 28, 2020, but here I am, celebrating so many milestones. I am beside myself in tears as I recount the many times God showed up for me. But perhaps the biggest flex is that God showed up especially when I didn’t trust Him to. He remained faithful when I let go of my faith and had thrown in the towel.

People who don’t know this side to Maddy think I have had it easy; like life has been smooth sailing for God’s spoilt brat! Nothing could be further from the truth. If you knew how far we’ve come, you’d pray for us to succeed!

One day, I will tell the story of Maddy. But for now, we did it Joe! I have no idea what 2022 holds and maybe my plans and resolutions may not go accordingly, or they may well exceed my expectations, but I am here for it: the thrill, the chill and anything in between.