I Fell For A Douche

I walked into a room full of tall people, light people, dark people, shorter people… great characters, bad characters… in the midst of this varied choice, I set my eyes on fire… the blue and orange looked good, I was pulled to it. It never hesitated but proceeded to reciprocate. Unrequited love? Nope. Here it was, ever loving, ever giving, I was warmed in.

It spoke the right words, did the right things. I felt giddy; a little over the moon. It was fire and ice (umm literally).

Random acts of kindness? Check. You need attention? Check. Before I finished my sentences, it delivered. I felt like a princess, scratch that, a queen. My king was in charge and I loved it.

But I was just an experiment, another one of his escapades. It was easy because I was naïve. He knew what cards to play and how to play them. All hearts? Yep.

Broke down most of my walls and I was getting ready to finally give in. I mean, how often do you find the looks, the books, the nooks in one? In crooks of course, but hey God had blessed (more like the devil, but who cared?)

The voice of reason? Hushed! Sixth sense? Silenced! Significant others? Well… do you really understand what it is like to fall in love? I respect you but can you at least let me be happy?

God sensed it and was like no, this one must be saved for a gentleman. So, Son and Holy Spirit, it is show time!

I resisted, fought hard and hushed the throbbing on my heart. Spirit was speaking but I didn’t want to listen.

Slideshow? Yes. That seemed to work. Smart move, God. So He was like okay fine, I understand you are in love (with a sarcastic chuckle) but hey, how well do you know this guy? You don’t need to answer that, I’ll show you.

I sat for 90 minutes reviewing my little fire’s life history, present and future. What? Yes!

“Do not give in, my dear. I know he’s seemingly good but what I have in mind is way better. Don’t give in!”

“But if he’s so wrong, why does he feel so right?”

“Must we start talking about sin? Okay no, but you know your heart is deceitful and so you’ll naturally gravitate towards evil.”

“Okay then why are you taking so long to bring the so- called right one?”

“I knew this would come up… just let this go child, let him go.”

So I went to quench the fire, hoping he would just do that thing he does that makes me rethink my decisions and be like ‘I wasn’t free this Saturday but I guess we could go…’ but I had to let go no matter what and so to disturb my thoughts and prevent me from changing my mind, the Holy Spirit looked down.

Okay, okay, here goes. This fire was warm and all but I gotta let go. You are not right, this is not right.

Dumbfounded, he just walked away. Nope, he did not put up a fight. Like all douches, he was not ready for a challenge:

“She seems to know what she wants, I’m in no mood for that,” he must have thought to himself as he walked away.

Now I struggled to get him out of my hair. I badly wanted to text him and say I had played the fool.

It’s hard to let go when you fall for a douche. But, you must choose peace of mind over giddiness. Choose security over fiery impetus passions. Chemistry must be there, darn right it must be but don’t be blinded by feelings. Open your eyes, see the character before you decide to love.

Stay woke. Douches are all around us!

Irreplaceable

It’s exactly 17:06. I check my phone and see the message I had dreaded to see for the longest time. In that moment, I’m numb. A certain chill rushes through my body and sadness engulfs me. I lose my mind and keep hoping and praying I misunderstood the text.

Those around me see my pale frame and being used to me being all bubbly, they inquire what’s wrong. I am unable to explain, so I just cry and point to my phone. They read the message too and tell me to calm down. How can I calm down when a piece of me has been taken away? Dude I was with you in the morning, why didn’t you warn me? Why didn’t you tell me you had plans of leaving?

I make my way home, hoping it’s a nasty prank… dumbfounded, I just see your lifeless body being taken away. As much as it hurts, it’s true: you are no more. I can’t figure out how I feel, but the tears flow fast. It hurts!

You lived a number of years on earth yet we only spent a few together… and just when I thought we were given an opportunity to get together and make up for lost time, you were taken away. Three weeks is too short a time man. You should have waited. Do you know how good I got at throwing those punches you taught me? Do you know how confident I became just because I knew how to fight back? I was a girl yes, but a tough one because of you…

And do you know how good I got at Math? It’s because of those persistent questions you gave me and the countless homework you helped me with. You were a brother, a friend, a mother, a sister, a teacher and a neat freak. How is it that your life just turned out this way?

They say you are in a better place, that you ran your race. They say you suffered long and it was time to be free from the pain… well you left me with more questions than answers.

It’s amazing how you brought us closer to each other. It seems your passing lifted a huge burden off our shoulders so much that we are free to go anywhere, at whatever time. Why is your demise seemingly the reason why good things are happening?

Whenever I think about the fact that I’ll never see you again, my heart breaks. I miss you with every fiber in me. Sometimes I forget you are no more and plan for you. It is so soon but it hurts so badly. You took everything and now it feels like I have to teach myself how to do certain things all over again.  It’s obvious I’m not doing well… do you see these eyes? When have you known me to cry?

As you rest, know that you are irreplaceable. I have a void in my heart that will be had to fill. I hope to see you again, to hear your voice again.

Sad Violinist

He played sad songs… filled many an audience’s eye with tears.

Someone was bold enough to ask him the story behind the songs, yet another simply said:

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”

Somehow that is all they could say and I don’t blame them.

I mean how do you talk about life in the valleys if you have spent your whole life in the mountains? How do I expect you to understand what it means to dance in the rain when you live in a desert region?

So sometimes what I need is empathy, not the surface pity little sorry’s but the hard stuff. To know that you feel what I’m feeling, that you have been down my road and that you completely understand my tears, and my heart ache.

So tell me… have you walked in my shoes? Have you seen torture, pain and brutality?

Have you had the privilege of hearing angry words? What about being caught in the middle of a wrangle?

What about worrying where someone is and wondering why they just won’t pick up your call and end your emotional torture?

Have you ever had to wonder why someone would consistently break your heart with no remorse?

Have you refused yourself sleep even when your eyelids are begging for mercy just because one close to you was unwell?

Have you been afraid of the night because bad things seemingly happen then?

Have you been afraid to sleep because you don’t want nightmares?

Have you cried for all this to end?

Have you ever pled with God to take you away because you couldn’t handle the pain?

Have you wondered why you were born? Have you ever hit rock bottom? Does it really hurt? Does it hurt you so bad that you couldn’t handle it anymore and just wanted to die?

Have you ever felt so helpless in the face of turmoil? That instead of helping, you just chose to cry because tears freely and effortlessly flow?

That is the journey of a sad violinist.

Do you still ask why he plays sad songs? Seek first to understand his struggle and maybe it’ll answer your questions….

D flat, minor… and the rhythm continues

[Enter sad song]

Love Makes It Easy

“I need to see you,” he squeaked. This is the third time he is making this request and it seems like it will be ignored as with all others but forlorn hope still pushes him to try and try again.

She thinks of ignoring him again but the humanity in her beckons on her to at least be kind. So, she gains the courage to respond and a rendezvous is set. She wasn’t looking forward to it.

And so the days wore on and the dreaded date came. It was the same story: how he loved her and was the best man for her (speak for yourself dude). She just sat there and stared at him, with a blank expression. Everything about this situation was a drag. Oh how she wished she was home!

Attention from the wrong person is torture!

But then she met another, whose presence made her cells dance. Suddenly, she looked forward to dates, movie nights and lakeside strolls. She hang close to her phone because she didn’t want to miss anything from him. What before seemed like hell was now making her little heart dance. And she loved every moment of it.

And because she loved every minute of it, she gave effortlessly.

And so he wondered: she said she never liked movies, or at least that’s what she told him. Never mind strolls by the lake. How come her feed was replete with the same things she claimed she hated? What was it about this guy that made her love stuff that she apparently didn’t love, or was it a mere ploy to shun away from spending time with him?

So he asked her and boy she answered:

“See, you are a nice guy (enter friend zone). You are loving and all that. But, I wish you would stop. Stop stalking me, stop following me around and trying so hard to get my attention. It is so clear that nothing good can come out of this. Think about me too; I’m the one for you, are you the one for me?”

“I have found him who males my cells dance. Please don’t ruin it. If you love me as you say, then probably seeing me happy will carry the day.”

“You said you didn’t like mushrooms on your pizza!”

“Did I? Well, maybe I didn’t. But now I do. The thing about this is that it feels so effortless. I don’t have to drag my feet or dread our evening dates. Yes, I’m now more open to things I thought I didn’t like. I’m sorry to say this, but maybe it wasn’t the pizza I disliked.”

She made a point.

He walked home and fought so hard to forget her. He hoped that his heart will finally settle for someone who would easily do random things for him simply because love makes things so easy!

Nothing is ever too hard if the heart is in it. Maybe it is high time you and I learned that love makes it super easy!!!!

Big Fat Unfaithfulness

He dropped her at her place. The night was still young and he wanted to spend more time with her but she said as much as she would love to, she better be tucked in early because she had a ‘busy day tomorrow.’

He stared into her eyes and navigated the meaning of the word ‘busy.’ Avoiding an argument, he brushed the thought aside. After the pleasantries, he watched go up into her cabin as he drove away.

He woke up to a “hey love, just started off. Have a nice day, love you xoxo” text. He blushed and cringed at the same time. As he stared on the phone, finding the appropriate response, the house help budged in.

She looked distressed as she held the telephone in her hands.

“Wait, what are you doing in my room without knocking? I could be in compromising attire for crying out loud!”

“Sorry boss, I just got this call from April and Ginger’s school that they are yet to be picked up. It’s almost 8!”

What?

This is the fourth time his wife had done this. It was getting dark and his two kids were out there in the cold. He had assumed that she had picked them up and gone off on her frolic but clearly not.

He quickly dressed up and sped off to salvage his children from the cold.

He reassured them that mummy was just running late. He even bought them food to make them forget.

“What is wrong with this woman? Why can’t she learn to put her family first? Why does such a beautiful woman make it so darn hard to love?” The thoughts ran through his head.

Around midnight, the bedroom door crept open. Mummy was finally home, but the kids didn’t get a chance to see her; they were fast asleep.

She went on about how her day was, how time seemed to slip through her hands. She was getting good at this.

As he looked at her beautiful frame, trying so hard to conceal her misdeeds, his heart was drawn out to her. He jumped out of bed and tried to lean close to her. The smell of booze and men’s cologne repulsed him. He knew where she was coming from and what exactly she had been doing but for fear of confrontations and back and forth arguments, he let it slide as he had done for years.

As the night wore on, and she was fast asleep, totally oblivious to what happened during the day, his mind was turning. How and where did he go wrong? How did he land in this mess? Here was a woman, beautiful in every sense of the word yet she was the cause of so much heartache, both to him and his poor children.

Should he forget about her and do what she does? His mind was driven to the house help. There she was: ever available, ever caring. He would be lying if he said that the thought of him and her didn’t cross his mind. And what about that co-worker, pretty and smart. But no, he wouldn’t cheat. No matter how unfaithful his wife was, he wouldn’t cheat. Partly because he didn’t want the tables to be turned against him and partly because he feared they were all the same. What if down the road, they all become like her?

What was the assurance that all that is glittering now won’t tell out to be base metal? Hold up, who is he fooling? He saw all the signs way before but ignored them. His mind quickly flashed back to that night when he drove her home because she had hectic errands to take care of the following day… he was uneasy then and the uneasiness only grew worse… why, oh why!

The message alert tone buzzed again.

He had been staring at the ‘I love you xoxo’ for so long. He didn’t believe it, scratch that, he didn’t believe her. So, caring for his peace and the well-being of his unborn children, should there be any, he garnered the courage and responded in the most honest way ever:

“When you get back, we need to talk.”