December 31, 2020.
I was
dragging my feet, trying to force a smile. The year had shown me flames but
perhaps the weeks leading up to the end of the year were the worst. I was
tormented in every way imaginable. I faced the imminent fear of loss; I generally
hate failure and loss and perhaps this is why it hurt the most. It felt like I was
losing, scratch that, I was losing. I was going on a downward spiral.
Everything
I had built was falling apart, even the very core of my existence was being
torn away. The only way out? Death. Ironically, death felt like the solution. So,
I prayed, earnestly and anxiously that I should go in my sleep; that I should
only wake up in eternity. This was the first earnest prayer I had prayed in
months. I was defeated. I had hit rock bottom.
But as
the case had been for the last few months, God didn’t answer my prayer.
And so
the new year wore on. It wasn’t ‘New Year, New Me,’ no! ‘New Year, Same Old
Pain’ was more like it. I hid the internal torture from the world. The nights
were filled with worry, anxiety, pain, tears but in the morning, I would get
up, show up and force a smile. Sometimes the pain was masked easily; other
times it showed up. But life went on, as it should.
Mistakes
were made, failure was courted, friendships were lost and lessons were learnt. When
it rained, it definitely poured.
However,
good things happened too. Somehow the pain gave way to joy, hate gave birth to
love, and peace begun to creep back in. Not all was lost, not everything had
failed.
And
here we are, December 29, 2021.
Looking
back on how far I have come, how things have worked out, I am beside myself
with tears of joy. God is faithful and I am not saying this in the Christian cliché
kind of way, but I am saying this with the strongest conviction, I am saying
this as someone who has struggled with faith. I would have died on December 28,
2020, but here I am, celebrating so many milestones. I am beside myself in
tears as I recount the many times God showed up for me. But perhaps the biggest
flex is that God showed up especially when I didn’t trust Him to. He remained
faithful when I let go of my faith and had thrown in the towel.
People
who don’t know this side to Maddy think I have had it easy; like life has been smooth
sailing for God’s spoilt brat! Nothing could be further from the truth. If you
knew how far we’ve come, you’d pray for us to succeed!
One day,
I will tell the story of Maddy. But for now, we did it Joe! I have no idea what
2022 holds and maybe my plans and resolutions may not go accordingly, or they
may well exceed my expectations, but I am here for it: the thrill, the chill
and anything in between.
