Hollywood is Bleeding

 Post Malone. In the corner of his house or wherever, wrote an iconic Post song. I honestly don’t know what was going on in his mind, or what feelings he was experiencing but when he said ‘Hollywood’s Bleeding but we call it home,’ he struck a chord. I don’t know about you but everything has been a rollercoaster lately, and the sad thing is I cant get off, scratch that, no one can get off. We just have to sit tight until all this is over, if it’ll be over.

What started small has grown so significantly and grabbed the world by the balls. Im not usually vulgar, pardon my French. My mind is having a tough time to navigate everything, its consequences and fear, panic and anxiety are not helping. 

This is global war, against a common enemy and the sad part is we, with all our intelligence, have to accept that we have lost, at least for a season. This is something that we have never experienced before; we are being told, somewhat forced, to do something that I learned in pre-grade, because that’s the only means of survival. The very essence of humanity is also being taken away: if you have it, this will help you from transmitting, and if you don’t have it, this will keep you from getting it. What do I do now? all the jokes about being a burrito, about being the first one to leave parties because I preferred to be home alone are no longer funny.

Introverts, I get that being home is your cup of tea, but this is not the time.

Some friendships that were only starting have to be cut short, people are leaving without the hope of seeing each other again and it’s so heart-breaking. 

What must I do without humans? What must I do with a house full of inanimate things? This feels like solitary confinement!

Schools and workplaces are shutting down, no more essentials in the stores, the streets are empty… Times Square never looked so lonely and deserted.

I know people who are holding tightly to their chairs because they cannot go home; they just don’t have working relationships with their families.

“Id rather die here than be quarantined alone with my mum!’

As sad as all this may sound, this is reality and its heart-breaking.

I am numb, I am devoid of any feeling. Maybe this is me being hopeful and optimist or rather being in denial? I just know that all this is so hard to wrap my mind around.

We cannot sing from the rooftops, neither can we join hands in solidarity (uh huh, no handshakes), but something connects us: hope. That even when we don’t know how all this will end, how many lives will be lost, we are hopeful that brighter and better days are coming.

Someone asked me if there was any silver lining to all this and I almost laughed. Im so sure there is seemingly no silver lining. But maybe I am just blind. I sincerely hope there is. I sincerely hope all this has taught us something: 

To The Unknown God

 Expectations, disappointments. Familiar? 

 

I guess what hurts more is the realization that the one you put your trust in couldn’t be trusted. It only took a flash of genius to finally get to the point where it finally tied together, and the realization hit you. But of course, this realization came after kissing a number of frogs… dirty frogs. What a pain.

 

See, life is hard by itself. Most of us get by because of what is called hope; hope that things will get better, hope that it will finally work out. But what if I told you that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, that the clouds have no silver lining, that its over fam- there is no good that lies on the other side, whatever that side is. What would you do then? Stone me? Call me pessimistic? 

 

Well, hold off the name calling because I have a reason for my hypothesis, a theory even. See, like all of you, I have been in situations of the greatest pain, turmoil and all that bad stuff. And like all of you, I hoped it would get better, but it didn’t. The pain, anger and frustration just grew and consumed me. The tale-tell of things working out was utter bullocks!

 

So, I finally decided to throw away the hope; the hope that things would get better, the hope that it would work out because for some of us, life isn’t that sorta fairytale… if you are in hell, that’s it my friend. Burn your soul away.

 

But what drove me to this realization was a small thing, a Hail Mary of sorts. I asked for a pittance, a small relief and it didn’t come. That’s when it dawned on me that I had been so foolish to believe in prayer, foolish to believe in God. Because each time I prayed fam, I was talking to myself. Nobody in the starry sky was sitting on the throne listening to my feeble requests. I was alone.

I felt so foolish for the fact that it took so long to get here; that it took so damn long to figure it out. I mean all the signs were there, but I couldn’t bloody see it.

 

There is something that they call people who don’t believe in God, fools, yeah? Well, call me foolish or whatever but I have reasons. And maybe you wouldn’t be so wise if you walked in my fucking shoes.

 

That's it for now. Mail this to whoever… preferably to the Unknown God.

 

Yours truly,

The One That Got Away.

Of Sinking Ships and Tough Decisions

I love water. A walk by the lakeside, wading my feet in a pool, taking unusually long in the shower on a lazy day. If I see a large body of water and a nearby boat next to it, I’m almost swelling with excitement. 

On this particular day, heaven smiled on me and I was aboard the … sailing on the Ohio River. Yes, mama I made it. One item off my bucket list.

Aboard this beauty, my heart was full as I glanced through everyone having a great time. There were a group of ladies taking time away from life to reconnect and rant about boy-drama, a new couple on a date, maybe celebrating a honeymoon, post-engagement euphoria or even an anniversary; an elderly couple seeking to rekindle the sparks or maybe celebrating severance benefits- everyone looked content and they should be.

And so, we sailed on. Bliss.

Suddenly the music stopped and we were disturbed by something akin to turbulence. Once, twice and then constant. 

“The titanic is sinking!”

That was not an appropriate joke; in fact, it was a befitting reality to the impeding gloom. And before we knew, the words were echoed and re-echoed:

“Apologies ladies and gentlemen. It seems we will not be enjoying this trip as we are facing some odd challenges with this cruise. We cannot hold on any longer. We will provide life jackets….”

You say what now? 

“Excuse me sir, in case you were not told, I can’t swim and definitely not in this type of water. There’s got to be another way!”

“I’m sorry young lady, if there was another way, I would not withhold it from you.”

“But sir…”

“We need to move quickly…everyone jump, please! We are sincerely sorry.”

“Sir… please...”

“Young lady, I cannot guarantee your safety if you remain on here and I cannot even guarantee your safety if you jump but would you rather do nothing and die or at least die trying?’

I gathered up my courage. This was the scariest thing I have ever done. I took two steps back, grabbed the life jacket and leaped in faith…. With a prayer of course and it was not long before I landed… on my bed.

I had been in my room the whole time, sleeping comfortably, or rather panting uncomfortably because such dreams…

****

There are certain decisions I have had to make without any assurance of success. I guess most times, the good in life is often covered with the bad; the rose has thorns, and opportunities may come with challenges. Sometimes, the only way out is through.

There are times and there will be times when it won’t make sense but you will have to do it; when it will hurt but you’d have to do it, when you would be scared, tired, worn out but you’d have to do it still.

About a year ago, I made a decision that drove me to my wits end. There was so much to sacrifice, so much at stake... but as the days wore on, I had no choice but to jump. Like the sinking ship, there was no guarantee of survival either way and I had to jump.

Through all this, I have found the serenity prayer to be most effectual because we all need the wisdom, the courage and the serenity to make the decision and live with it, to weather the challenges and ultimately pull through.

I hope in whatever situation, you will do the right thing… even if it entails taking a leap of faith when you cannot see the staircase.

PS: I still love water and still go for boat cruises. Dreams aint got nothing on me. I mean what are the odds?