My Beloved

Hey sweetheart, you are beautiful.

I know we are yet to meet but something within me tells me that you are awesome, wonderful and everything I ever wanted.

For countless years, I walked around with a list; a list of who and what you should be. When I shared with some, I was advised that it is not possible for one such as yourself to exist but I reminded myself that if I can dream it, God can create it.

So I kept dreaming of how we would meet, and yes I kept planning our wedding and how we would live after we were married. I imagined myself striving so hard to be the perfect wife, while you strive so hard to be the perfect husband. And because our efforts are other-centered, we both get our cups filled.

I imagined the things that would make you angry and make you want to stop talking to me, I imagined us resolving that difficulty and learning how to treat each other better next time.

We would be in love, and our love would conquer all. We would be best friends, that you tell me everything and that I do the same. We would watch your favorite sport, as much as you would try to read my favorite books or give input on my blog.

We would travel together, play music loud and dance when we can. We would mess up on the lyrics, maybe even argue as to who has the better voice but it would be a pleasure to be in each other’s company because we would be best friends.

We would help each other’s weaknesses and enforce our strengths.

We would bear each other’s burdens, be a shoulder to lean on, share our joys and our sorrows. We would run this race of life together and promise not to give up on each other.

And then when the time is right, I would mother your children. They would probably have my dimples and my eyes but be as strong as you are. They would be beautiful reflections of our love. We would nurture them together and help them grow to their full stature, holistically.

I also imagine the worst. You’ll be tempted to hurt me, as much as I would be tempted to do the same but the promises we will make to each other and to God will draw us back to each other.

We would be an example of a beautiful home.

These are the plans that run through my mind as I notice your absence in my life yet. But I know, when I look at the moon that such thoughts are running through your head too.

It is only a matter of time before our paths cross, and we write our beautiful history.

I love you before I meet you!

Know Me, Love Me

To be fully known and fully loved: a beautiful phrase that has recently occupied my interest. As a matter of fact, I stumbled on a beautiful piece that suggested that being fully known and not loved is painful, being fully loved and not fully known is somewhat scary but being fully known and fully loved is definitely ecstatic!

Truth is we all want to be loved, accepted for who and what we are. In as much as wearing a mask is what we occasionally do, the rationale is simply that deep in our heart of hearts, we do not want to live under a fake pretentious garb but want to be seen and read by men, and be accepted at the same time.

One evening, I was being taken home by a group of friends and noticing the silence in the car (except for chit-chats here and there) I suggested that we play some music. It was immediately suggested that I be the DJ, which entailed that I play music from my phone. Nothing scary about that… yet.

We were a group of five Seventh-day Adventist young men and women who were coming from a church outing. We were affiliated to a mission group. As a matter of fact, two of us held significant positions in that mission group whilst the others had their own sphere of influence. Remember, we are SDA!

And so, being nominated as DJ, I quickly put a disclaimer that songs I’m about to play may not prima facie be the ideal SDA music, but “there is depth in the lyrics guys!”

Fast forward, the songs (and not hymns) start playing and we all danced and sang along till I got home. Bliss!

There is something about that moment that made me feel at home, gave me a sense of belonging. There I was, jamming my favorite songs and nobody gave a stern look at me, nor judged my taste. Its like our minds had met and there was no way of undoing that!

So often than not, we try to twist and squeeze ourselves into something we aren’t just to be loved and accepted but I heard somewhere that the best things in life are free; that you do not have to squeeze and stress yourself to be loved, because genuine love, loves inspite of who you are. It sees, it hears, it understands, it embraces and it transforms. Genuine love is love that is all-eyes, all-observing, alert yet doesn’t excuse faults but embraces them so much that they are consumed in love.

For a certain part of my life, I craved the acceptance and went to great lengths to obtain it. It was stressful! When I stopped chasing the wind, I discovered that I became free, happy and content in my own skin. My faults were plainly seen and lost in the genuine love of those who truly cared and instead of striving so hard to be accepted, it came naturally.

There is this beautiful hymn (I’m SDA after all) that concludes “He looked beyond my faults and saw my need.” That is the love that knows, that sees but loves anyhow. That is the love that transforms you into being a beautiful version of you and lets you have fun while doing that!

There is nothing more precious than the feeling of being at home… where you are fully known and fully loved.

The Stones That Built Me

So today, I went down to a place I had never been in 6 years… As I walked past the familiar roads, memories of how I got there in the first place flooded my mind. It was almost hard to believe that I had grown so much…  A lot had happened in the past 6 years, so much that I could barely recognise myself… But all this nostalgia just reminded of one thing: every stone I get is building a monument.

So I remember the toils, the stress in primary school. I remember being the nerd with a short temper, I remember exchanging one or two punches with some kid who thought I could be a push-over, I remember crying for certain things, not being content about other things… I remember the joys too, the good grades and everyone knowing my name… every stone is building a monument.

Fast-forward into secondary school; a place of growth and identity, meeting new friends and reigniting old friendships. It’s so painful to think that those few years not only shaped my character but determined my life path… as dismal as it may appear to be, every stone is building a monument…

2017, almost wrapping up my university tenure, uneasy about life, wondering if I served my purpose in the past four years, wondering whether am battling with regret or satisfaction, I just want it to matter that I lived!

Looking back, a few years from now, I’ll definitely see a pattern, a plan, and I’ll realize that some of the failed dreams, some of the life experiences, the people I met, the sorrows were all simply but building blocks for a monument. And one day, when I become the Madaliso God intended me to be, I’ll look back and realize that indeed ALL things work together for good, because every stone was building a monument.

For My Good

Seated at home all day, studying… preparing for my mid-year exams starting the coming week. It is a chilly day, the day before my birthday. Trying to keep warm, and whilst trying not to be too comfortable, I grab my sister’s lab coat and continue studying.

Something moves me to stand up, and as I do, I am met by a reflection of myself in the mirror. In that instant, thoughts flood my mind. 7 years ago, I had dreams of going to medical school after completing my high school. Was I in med school now? Hell no. Instead, I had just graduated from law school and was sitting here preparing for my bar exams. Things changed along the way.

As I continue gazing at myself, I am a mix of emotions; regrets, longing and wondering where I would have been had life turned left. I guess there is no way of finding out now.

One thing I have learnt through it all is that my plans are not God plans: something I had read in the good book and probably packed at the back of mind or recited in church. However, little did I know that God had plans alright, plans that were not even remotely resembling mine. Little did I know that 7 years later, I would be seated here, typing this. In my righteous imagination, I thought that around this time of the year, I would be running from one ward to another, doing my student rounds, or what they call being “on-call!”

It really is so easy to share stuff from the good book when you are far-detached from the story, when it’s a mere recital to someone, without an ounce of empathy. It is totally a whole different story when the advice is repeated to you.

And so today, on the eve of my 24^th birthday, I can safely say that I learned first-hand what it means to submit your plans to God, I learned first-hand what the Bible meant when it said “as the heaven are higher than the earth, so are my plans higher than yours.”

I can’t say I completely understand why it happened, neither can I completely say I’m happy with how it happened; however, the only thing I can say with certainty is that He couldn’t have brought me this far to leave me because somewhere in the good book, He said “I know the plans I think towards,… plans to prosper you.”

And so, He may have called me to give up my dream, and it hurt when He did, but I trust that ALL things are working for my good because what He promised, He is also able to perform.

On graduation, a good friend of mine sent me a message to say:

“Remember how hurt you were about not studying medicine, yet today you are graduating as the best student in law school. God had a plan!”

And so today, I remember that God had a plan, and He still does. I may not see it, I may not like it, but He still has a plan. And I would be damned if I didn’t believe that it has “for Madaliso’s good” written all over it!

Are You Done? (Sequel to 'Answer Her Lord')

Are you done?

Do you still need to speak further?

I’m really not so glad that this is how we get to meet. I have been longing to have a conversation with you and when I thought I finally had the chance, that I finally had your attention…. You spoke. As usual, you didn’t hear me out. You want me to answer you but you never cease speaking. Perhaps therein lies the problem. Would you please try to listen?

I know you are hurt. I have done certain things or allowed certain things to happen to you under the proverbial “God knows best!” I know that is perhaps the last thing you want to hear and quite honestly, I don’t blame you. I mean, I am God, you are man, my precious little girl who doesn’t see me living up to my role any more.

But here is the thing: when it hurts you so bad that you feel enveloped in gross darkness, that you feel I’m not there anymore, I am there with you. Hurting with you.

Why don’t I put a stop to it, because I’m God right? Well guess what, I love you too much to let you be “the spoiled brat!” so because I love you, I let you go and grow through this because I trust and know that you will pull through.

I may have seemingly failed you a number of times but one thing I just ask of you is to trust me. It may not make sense and it may be way easier to throw in the towel and give up on me but trust me child.

So I ask you to trust me. Through the storm and through the pain, just trust me.

You remember when I said all things are working for your good? I meant it.

I don’t want to bore you with theories and stories but I ask is that you trust me. Just one more time!

Running On Empty

It was a great purchase. Pricy but still great anyway. Somehow, the manual is forgotten and it becomes a matter of trial and error. Given your level of ingenuity, you figure it out. You were created with intellectual capabilities anyway, so it comes naturally for you to eventually figure it out after exercising your reasoning powers.

You seem to have it all together, and for a while it seems to be working out just fine. Until one day, you hit a wall, a brick wall and that’s when you are reminded of how clueless you really are, that you were actually running on empty, and that what you thought you knew was actually bits and pieces. It suddenly hits and you go around looking for the manual. Oops! Why you looking for what you never had?

For a while, you had trusted your ingenuity and forgot about the manual. In other words, you are dealing with a complex machine and you don’t know how to operate it simply because you were too foolhardy to forget the instructions. So you are stuck, as you should be. The maze of life!

The machine called a human being. See somehow, I got stuck and confused because I actually don’t know how to operate myself. For the greatest part I had thought that I had all my stuff together, that I knew how to handle me, that I possessed so great ingenuity to leave behind the “manual!” woe benign, I was too foolish. But, as all fools do, I ran on empty, deceived by the false mirages of succeeding at little things so much that I became completely oblivious to my goal, my purpose and all the big things I could actually succeed at if I had the manual! Damn!

I read somewhere in the Good Book that I was created for His glory but honestly, as I look at the mess I have created, I fail to see how that glory is being depicted. I see how I fall short of His purpose but why, oh why did it take so long for me to notice and wake up from the miasma?

And so I pull whatever strength there is left and run- not run on empty this time- but run to the Designer, the Person who actually made this machine before it crumbles and a life that could have been well-lived passes by into nothingness. I carry myself to Him, asking Him to pilot this ship, else I’ll sink it.

It’s so easy to get caught up in routine that it becomes so hard to tell whether you are in motion or progressing. Know the difference!