We did it Joe!

 December 31, 2020.

I was dragging my feet, trying to force a smile. The year had shown me flames but perhaps the weeks leading up to the end of the year were the worst. I was tormented in every way imaginable. I faced the imminent fear of loss; I generally hate failure and loss and perhaps this is why it hurt the most. It felt like I was losing, scratch that, I was losing. I was going on a downward spiral.

Everything I had built was falling apart, even the very core of my existence was being torn away. The only way out? Death. Ironically, death felt like the solution. So, I prayed, earnestly and anxiously that I should go in my sleep; that I should only wake up in eternity. This was the first earnest prayer I had prayed in months. I was defeated. I had hit rock bottom.

But as the case had been for the last few months, God didn’t answer my prayer.

And so the new year wore on. It wasn’t ‘New Year, New Me,’ no! ‘New Year, Same Old Pain’ was more like it. I hid the internal torture from the world. The nights were filled with worry, anxiety, pain, tears but in the morning, I would get up, show up and force a smile. Sometimes the pain was masked easily; other times it showed up. But life went on, as it should.

Mistakes were made, failure was courted, friendships were lost and lessons were learnt. When it rained, it definitely poured.

However, good things happened too. Somehow the pain gave way to joy, hate gave birth to love, and peace begun to creep back in. Not all was lost, not everything had failed.

And here we are, December 29, 2021.

Looking back on how far I have come, how things have worked out, I am beside myself with tears of joy. God is faithful and I am not saying this in the Christian cliché kind of way, but I am saying this with the strongest conviction, I am saying this as someone who has struggled with faith. I would have died on December 28, 2020, but here I am, celebrating so many milestones. I am beside myself in tears as I recount the many times God showed up for me. But perhaps the biggest flex is that God showed up especially when I didn’t trust Him to. He remained faithful when I let go of my faith and had thrown in the towel.

People who don’t know this side to Maddy think I have had it easy; like life has been smooth sailing for God’s spoilt brat! Nothing could be further from the truth. If you knew how far we’ve come, you’d pray for us to succeed!

One day, I will tell the story of Maddy. But for now, we did it Joe! I have no idea what 2022 holds and maybe my plans and resolutions may not go accordingly, or they may well exceed my expectations, but I am here for it: the thrill, the chill and anything in between.

 

 

 

Hollywood is Bleeding

 Post Malone. In the corner of his house or wherever, wrote an iconic Post song. I honestly don’t know what was going on in his mind, or what feelings he was experiencing but when he said ‘Hollywood’s Bleeding but we call it home,’ he struck a chord. I don’t know about you but everything has been a rollercoaster lately, and the sad thing is I cant get off, scratch that, no one can get off. We just have to sit tight until all this is over, if it’ll be over.

What started small has grown so significantly and grabbed the world by the balls. Im not usually vulgar, pardon my French. My mind is having a tough time to navigate everything, its consequences and fear, panic and anxiety are not helping. 

This is global war, against a common enemy and the sad part is we, with all our intelligence, have to accept that we have lost, at least for a season. This is something that we have never experienced before; we are being told, somewhat forced, to do something that I learned in pre-grade, because that’s the only means of survival. The very essence of humanity is also being taken away: if you have it, this will help you from transmitting, and if you don’t have it, this will keep you from getting it. What do I do now? all the jokes about being a burrito, about being the first one to leave parties because I preferred to be home alone are no longer funny.

Introverts, I get that being home is your cup of tea, but this is not the time.

Some friendships that were only starting have to be cut short, people are leaving without the hope of seeing each other again and it’s so heart-breaking. 

What must I do without humans? What must I do with a house full of inanimate things? This feels like solitary confinement!

Schools and workplaces are shutting down, no more essentials in the stores, the streets are empty… Times Square never looked so lonely and deserted.

I know people who are holding tightly to their chairs because they cannot go home; they just don’t have working relationships with their families.

“Id rather die here than be quarantined alone with my mum!’

As sad as all this may sound, this is reality and its heart-breaking.

I am numb, I am devoid of any feeling. Maybe this is me being hopeful and optimist or rather being in denial? I just know that all this is so hard to wrap my mind around.

We cannot sing from the rooftops, neither can we join hands in solidarity (uh huh, no handshakes), but something connects us: hope. That even when we don’t know how all this will end, how many lives will be lost, we are hopeful that brighter and better days are coming.

Someone asked me if there was any silver lining to all this and I almost laughed. Im so sure there is seemingly no silver lining. But maybe I am just blind. I sincerely hope there is. I sincerely hope all this has taught us something: 

To The Unknown God

 Expectations, disappointments. Familiar? 

 

I guess what hurts more is the realization that the one you put your trust in couldn’t be trusted. It only took a flash of genius to finally get to the point where it finally tied together, and the realization hit you. But of course, this realization came after kissing a number of frogs… dirty frogs. What a pain.

 

See, life is hard by itself. Most of us get by because of what is called hope; hope that things will get better, hope that it will finally work out. But what if I told you that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, that the clouds have no silver lining, that its over fam- there is no good that lies on the other side, whatever that side is. What would you do then? Stone me? Call me pessimistic? 

 

Well, hold off the name calling because I have a reason for my hypothesis, a theory even. See, like all of you, I have been in situations of the greatest pain, turmoil and all that bad stuff. And like all of you, I hoped it would get better, but it didn’t. The pain, anger and frustration just grew and consumed me. The tale-tell of things working out was utter bullocks!

 

So, I finally decided to throw away the hope; the hope that things would get better, the hope that it would work out because for some of us, life isn’t that sorta fairytale… if you are in hell, that’s it my friend. Burn your soul away.

 

But what drove me to this realization was a small thing, a Hail Mary of sorts. I asked for a pittance, a small relief and it didn’t come. That’s when it dawned on me that I had been so foolish to believe in prayer, foolish to believe in God. Because each time I prayed fam, I was talking to myself. Nobody in the starry sky was sitting on the throne listening to my feeble requests. I was alone.

I felt so foolish for the fact that it took so long to get here; that it took so damn long to figure it out. I mean all the signs were there, but I couldn’t bloody see it.

 

There is something that they call people who don’t believe in God, fools, yeah? Well, call me foolish or whatever but I have reasons. And maybe you wouldn’t be so wise if you walked in my fucking shoes.

 

That's it for now. Mail this to whoever… preferably to the Unknown God.

 

Yours truly,

The One That Got Away.

Of Sinking Ships and Tough Decisions

I love water. A walk by the lakeside, wading my feet in a pool, taking unusually long in the shower on a lazy day. If I see a large body of water and a nearby boat next to it, I’m almost swelling with excitement. 

On this particular day, heaven smiled on me and I was aboard the … sailing on the Ohio River. Yes, mama I made it. One item off my bucket list.

Aboard this beauty, my heart was full as I glanced through everyone having a great time. There were a group of ladies taking time away from life to reconnect and rant about boy-drama, a new couple on a date, maybe celebrating a honeymoon, post-engagement euphoria or even an anniversary; an elderly couple seeking to rekindle the sparks or maybe celebrating severance benefits- everyone looked content and they should be.

And so, we sailed on. Bliss.

Suddenly the music stopped and we were disturbed by something akin to turbulence. Once, twice and then constant. 

“The titanic is sinking!”

That was not an appropriate joke; in fact, it was a befitting reality to the impeding gloom. And before we knew, the words were echoed and re-echoed:

“Apologies ladies and gentlemen. It seems we will not be enjoying this trip as we are facing some odd challenges with this cruise. We cannot hold on any longer. We will provide life jackets….”

You say what now? 

“Excuse me sir, in case you were not told, I can’t swim and definitely not in this type of water. There’s got to be another way!”

“I’m sorry young lady, if there was another way, I would not withhold it from you.”

“But sir…”

“We need to move quickly…everyone jump, please! We are sincerely sorry.”

“Sir… please...”

“Young lady, I cannot guarantee your safety if you remain on here and I cannot even guarantee your safety if you jump but would you rather do nothing and die or at least die trying?’

I gathered up my courage. This was the scariest thing I have ever done. I took two steps back, grabbed the life jacket and leaped in faith…. With a prayer of course and it was not long before I landed… on my bed.

I had been in my room the whole time, sleeping comfortably, or rather panting uncomfortably because such dreams…

****

There are certain decisions I have had to make without any assurance of success. I guess most times, the good in life is often covered with the bad; the rose has thorns, and opportunities may come with challenges. Sometimes, the only way out is through.

There are times and there will be times when it won’t make sense but you will have to do it; when it will hurt but you’d have to do it, when you would be scared, tired, worn out but you’d have to do it still.

About a year ago, I made a decision that drove me to my wits end. There was so much to sacrifice, so much at stake... but as the days wore on, I had no choice but to jump. Like the sinking ship, there was no guarantee of survival either way and I had to jump.

Through all this, I have found the serenity prayer to be most effectual because we all need the wisdom, the courage and the serenity to make the decision and live with it, to weather the challenges and ultimately pull through.

I hope in whatever situation, you will do the right thing… even if it entails taking a leap of faith when you cannot see the staircase.

PS: I still love water and still go for boat cruises. Dreams aint got nothing on me. I mean what are the odds?

Dark Soul

She walked through life with an air of gloom and sadness; only that it was hidden in her heart. As they say, depression is sometimes a smiling face. So she carried the weight in her heart. Nobody knew it hurt, or how much it was eating her up.

She smiled and bore with her an aura of happiness that to everyone, it was business as usual. But, she still carried the weight.

The past few weeks had been the worst. She was broken in every sense, bruised and battered. But because the wounds were internal, nobody saw the scars. She had tried to speak, to share her worst fights and scariest battles, but each time she opened her mouth to speak, it seemed words were inadequate. So sometimes she would break down, in the bathroom or some other private place, or she would pen down what she felt and almost immediately destroy the evidence. It just felt like nobody could understand how hard she felt, even if they tried.

The few people who managed to hear a point or two on the issue told her she was strong, brave and could do it; that it was all in her head but nobody knew that she had reached the end. She could fight no longer, the burden was overwhelming and the person she could run to as her last resort had seemingly forsaken her. Alone, destitute… she bore on, hanging on to a thread.

It was hard to wake up, and hard to really eat too. Her body was also beginning to fail her. It wanted more attention, but she was too weak to give it. Her mind was a mess. She was buried in thought most of the time; things she could do with her eyes closed became difficult, almost like learning new tricks in old age.

It was too much.

One day, after all the tears, the notes, the “you can do it,” she could have it no longer and so she decided to make a drastic decision. She took the easy way out.

                                                            ****

Check on the strong ones, the smiling ones, the jovial ones. They could be suffering in silence.

“She is a beautiful piece of broken pottery, put back together by her own hands. And a critical world judges her cracks while missing the beauty of how she made herself whole again.”

“I won’t let pain turn my heart into something ugly. I will show you that surviving can be beautiful.”

The Young, The Foolhardy, The Dead

She sat in a state of confusion. I guess because nobody told her it would get to this point or how to deal with this, if it happened or when it happened. But it did and nobody gave her survival tools to deal with this uncertainty and she was left nonplussed, and battered.

The man she had known and loved cheated on her.

They had taught her how to be a wife; to care for and love him and his; to be there and hold his hand. She believed she had it all under control and as naiveté would have it, she never thought he would do it. I mean he loved her, or so he said. He vowed to be faithful, to be her lover and her best friend but in this one moment, he failed.

So, he cheated. He was like most men. And that is what hurt.

Her mind went back to that day she was robed in white and that dark tuxedo hid the painful truth of what lay behind the ceremony, the rosy smell, beautiful faces and wonderful bridesmaids. Most importantly, her mind went to the vows exchanged, the promises given. It was surreal; gave her hope in humanity but once again, her hopes were shattered.

She couldn’t believe it happened, or why it happened.

“I can explain,” he said. But the more he talked, the more she realized that she could not stand the lies that rang behind the voice that not so long ago made her heart beat a little faster. He made promises, but they were just ropes of sand and when she needed them to hold, they couldn’t. And that is what hurt.

She stood in front of her mirror and asked herself incessant questions:

“Am I not pretty enough? Am I not good enough? Where did I go wrong? Why? What….”

“It’s not you, it’s me…” enter, a cheater’s favorite line. “It’s deeper than you think…”

Deeper? She thought of how deep he went into this other woman that his love for her became so shallow.

I guess she was tired of the questions, the pain and wondering whether she would love him again, look in his eyes again, or just be near him again… she realized she wasn’t ready for this eventuality of life.  She decided to leave.

She still felt unworthy and blamed herself for what happened. She wanted to know the details; she wanted to get closure but she wasn’t ready to hear his lies. Everything coming out of him only seemed soiled and defiled. She just couldn’t.

So she tried to move on…. Convinced herself it was not her fault. There was something wrong with him and not her. She would be stronger and live her life.

It was all going on well until she remembered their first kiss; she remembered all the beautiful times they spent together and how they promised to love each other till death… although him dying would have been better. We should have stopped her when these thoughts begun to win her over…

She got the courage, or lack thereof and decided she would fix this; scratch that, fix a man who had given himself over to lust.

She navigated her way to their former home, and with tears in her eyes, she softly knocked.

Before he responded, it dawned on her that maybe she was about to ruin another steamy moment with the same intruder or maybe another. Her fears, which could have easily been a reality, overwhelmed her and she took a step back. She wasn’t ready.

She wasn’t ready to make things work, she wasn’t ready to get over it, and she wasn’t ready to act like it never happened. She had been good, faithful and had devoted her energy to making it work but he forgot all this at the slightest opportunity.

Her fears of what lay on the other side of the door made her rethink her decision and in a sure case of haste, drastic decisions were made. Her heart beat faster…until death do us part. That was the solution. Umm, not really but….

                                                                        ****

Some actions have consequences too dire to undo. He had committed a sin which made it difficult to move on. That is the serious lesson of life. Some actions can never be undone, and the consequences may take a lifetime to atone for.

Cloudy With A Chance Of Thunderstorms

The year begun as all years do… count downs, braais, fireworks and general festivities right? Well, not exactly for me. I sat on my bed on 31 December 2017, in a green dress, fighting back tears. What had happened? Well for starters, I had been forgotten by my brother (yes, I can be quite petty) and secondly, I was generally unhappy about something in my life (story for another day). Anyway, my 2018 did not start on a happy note and something was nudging on my heart that this year was going to be a year and a half, here’s why.

So 2018 was by far the most confusing, devastating and almost the worst year so far. I experienced stuff that I never had before, stuff that left me confused, distorted and shook. But, as they say, never a failure but only a learner, I have decided to look at what I can learn or what I perhaps learned from the so-called devastating year. So, here goes nothing.

1. Sometimes it won’t make sense.

This is perhaps one of the worst lessons I learned. I lost my brother 12 days after my final exam. He had been sick during the time I was writing exams. It was the most traumatizing moment of my life; constantly checking if he’s made it to the next day whilst trying to study because the exam wouldn’t write itself. I would get panic attacks in the exam hall but bore on until the end. When he finally died, I was filled with a lot of whys, hows and what not. Nothing about it made sense. I was more shocked than sad. I couldn’t understand a thing of what was going on. I didn’t, and still don’t understand how everything happened in quick succession. It just hurt and I just had questions and no answers.

Sometimes you won’t get the answers; and it won’t make sense. You must just live through it.

2. Be there

I must admit that sometimes I am a coward in the sense that I evade feeling certain things for no reason or for foolish reasons. So, during the time my brother was sick, the fear of him dying engulfed me so much that I dreaded being home and seeing him sick and hanging on to dear life. So I chose to stay away, to keep myself from feeling the pain, the fear or the stress. No one knew about it until the time I couldn’t eat or the time I suddenly broke down. I masked it good. But guess what, when I saw him lifeless on the day he died, I regretted every minute I spent away from him. I should have stayed with him to spend the last few minutes with him. Even when he lay there, shock and pain took control and I ran away. Now, I’m filled with regret for not feeling the pain, the fear or experiencing it all with him. So my advice is be there emotionally, physically or spiritually. Do not shy away from feeling the emotions because we are emotional beings and fighting emotions is equivalent to being less of a human, me thinks.

3. You failed, you are not a failure.

Another important lesson 2018 brought to my door is differentiating between failing and being a failure. Having a background of excelling, not clearing ZIALE at first attempt stung! A part of me felt like I was dull and probably spoiled by the easy undergrad exams but hey, failing is not the same as being a failure. You fail, you learn, you get up, you try again, you win! You are not a failure!!!

4. Be you, for you.

Ever caught in situations where you feel not good enough, or that you need to tone down a bit? Well, sometimes you have to decide to screw it and be you. As long as long it doesn’t hurt nobody, you sometimes need to be a little selfish and be you for you because ultimately, nobody loves you better than you.

This sounds not so Biblical right? Well, I learned a painful lesson that the more you try so hard to be something you are not, the more you rob the world of something that only you can give. So recognize what needs to change and embrace the real you.

5. Some things are right under your nose

Tongue in cheek… sometimes, you may never know that what you are looking for is right under your nose, because that is always the last place we check really. I am allowed to be a little discreet here but all in all, I learned that you sometimes won’t need to try so hard, or push so hard to get what is yours. Sometimes you will fight to get it, other times, things will just fall in place. You need wisdom to know the difference. Yep, I haven’t said much here, right?

6. Love deeply

It is amazing that with everything written about it and sung about it, love is still as abstract a concept. I guess 2018 brought me closer to the concept of love, in whatever form, shape and size. Love entails forgiving a lot, caring too much, being selfless and trying so hard to be a better version of yourself. I was tested to the very core and the only thing that kept me going was love; love for the thing, and love for the things. Yep, not saying much too.

But love deeply. Sometimes you will love and the object of the affection won’t appreciate it or see it, love nonetheless.

7. Blessings in adversity

I don’t need to overemphasize the horrors of 2018 but one thing I learned is that you will face trials and some of them will be because humans are jealous, stupid and evil, and that is why we need Jesus. But, no matter the adversity, man-made or God-ordained, you need to realize that there is a blessing. It may not be a material blessing and sometimes it won’t come in a way our perverted selves will imagine but it is there. For example, when someone I trusted threw me under a moving bus and I’m not even exaggerating, I learned not to trust anyone. That is a blessing, a blessing of a lesson about life.

Adversity also gives you an opportunity to introspect, and help you realize that sometimes you are the major reason behind all the screw ups; that it is your fault and you need to change that. What better blessing than becoming a better person for you and those around you?

8. Seek first to understand

We are humans and that means we are brutes and selfish. When something happens, our first instinct is usually selfish in that we will react based on us and not the other person. What if I told you that people always have reasons for why they act the way they do? We don’t know that because we don’t seek first to understand. We are quick to see things from our perspective and arrive at a conclusion. But, seek firs to understand before acting. Put yourself in their shoes and see how effective that judgmental side of yours will be…

9. Chase your dreams

The long, sad year drove me further away from my dreams. I felt dull, defeated and stuck. But, no matter what happens, I have learnt to keep that hope alive within me. I watched a cartoon a long time ago called ‘Ratatouille;’ a foodie rat that was determined to be the best chef ever. I guess that rat’s determination to be a great chef is what we all need to chase our dreams no matter how many road blocks life throws at us.

10. Nurture your friendships

Last but not the least, nurture those friendships. I discovered that my friends would go all out to do something for me. It humbled me to see how much they fought for me, were there for me, prayed for me or listened to me. So nurture those friendships because sometimes family will fail and friends will be all you got.

The weather man did not tell me how 2018 would look. It was cloudy with a high chance of thunderstorms. Nonetheless, I choose not to focus on the pain, hurt and disappointment but to focus on the lessons learnt. It was not my best year but it was more revealing, full of change and growth and definitely eye-opening. This list of lessons is not exhaustive as I have probably learnt a lot more than the 10 penned down. You may not agree with some of them and that is okay; they are purely a product of my experience and viewpoint.

Here’s to a great 2019. To life, success, happiness, love, joy. Yes, there may be a few thunderstorms here and there but guess what, we are stronger than this. Whatever didn’t kill us, had better start running!!

I Hate That I Love You

She hugged him tightly, almost failing to believe her eyes that this bundle of joy had come out her. With tears in her eyes, she kissed him softly, caressing him with one hand, whilst using the other to hold on to her husband.

“Honey, we made this!” She said, fighting back the tears.

It had been a long and rough journey. After a number of miscarriages, she wasn’t excited when she discovered she was pregnant for the fourth time. She didn’t even break the news to anyone. Having been failed a number of times, she just sat there hopeless and not giving thought to what was growing inside of her.

Bu the weeks turned into months and she got past the scary trimester. She thought she’d lose it again but no, the little man grew on and on until she couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. Of course, they talked.

“We hope it lasts this time.”

“Oh boy, but why so many failed pregnancies…”

She battled the defeat and bore on. Cravings, swollen feet, morning sickness. She bore it all until 9 months done.

Even then, she was unsure of what was going to happen. What if she couldn’t make it, or what if he didn’t make it? The doubt and fear gripped her but she pulled through and 24 hours later, she held him in her arms. Her first son.

It was done. She became a mother.

She sung him to sleep, played with him, stayed up all night while others were sleeping. She watched every development of his limbs, muscle. She studied him intensely. She found love.

Then he started growing up.

The more he learnt to walk, the further he walked away from the values imparted by mummy. The more he learned to smile, the more he charmed the innocence away from him.

He kept late hours, flattering innocent girls; making them feel like they were the only ones when he had multiple chats open. He begun to drink and smoke. He begun to party and play hard. He found it difficult to do this thing called ‘school’ because it was a sheer waste of time. Mummy and Daddy provided everything, what’s the point?

He became disrespectful, rowdy and foolish. He became the cause of many of his mother’s tears.

Where had she gone wrong? What hadn’t she done? She thought of all three lost babies. Would they have turned out like this? Was it the reason why she had to wait long? Was this a signal from above?

She cried again, this time not for the birth of a child but for the rebirth of her child.

Sometimes the things we love will bring us heartache; sometimes the things we love will not love us back. Sometimes, even after doing all that we can, things will go south.

Love is a risk, life is a risk. Will you love knowing fully well that the one you love wont love you back? Would you invest knowing that things may plummet tomorrow? Are you willing to give your all for something or something that will or may never work?

All real life is taking risks; sometimes the love you feel for what will hurt you is the only drive you have.

A Woman And A Half

I crept in on her around 05:40 so that I could be the first to wish her a happy birthday. She was startled by a hug from behind and a kiss on her cheek. She smiled softly and said thank you. I looked at her smile, it was masked with a lot of emotion. The past few months had been tough on her and in that moment I felt words were not enough to show my love and appreciation for a woman who had sacrificed her life so that mine would be better.

I was born of a woman of valor. She is clothed in wisdom and strength. The truest definition of a Proverbs 31.

She would wake up early enough to ensure that we had full stomachs before heading out to school, and then she stayed behind to ensure that we found a home when we came back. She was never late for her usual school runs; sometimes she came too early but it was all a depiction of her true love and her incessant desire that we were safe.

There were times when we pissed her off and we would get it; they were also times when we did our best and made her proud. In spite of all this, the only thing that made her really proud was us having a relationship with God. I remember her waking me up as early as 5am on a Sunday so that we attend the first mass. I dreaded it sometimes because I loved sweet sleep but in hindsight, the only thing she wanted was for her kids to know God, personally. She would lock me in on a one-to-one with her so that I memorized the rosary and prepare for my baptism and so the day I finally got baptized, she felt accomplished (I was gonna drop a bombshell 4 years later but that’s a story for another day.)

My Ngoni princess taught me hard work. There would be times when she would round up my brothers to raid our toys and burn them simply because she felt we were becoming too lazy. I hated it but trust me, I won’t hesitate to make the same decisions for my kids.

She made me learn how to do the dishes, cook, take care of business and still go to school and act like a boss.

“You never know how life will turn out tomorrow, learn what you can today so that you may be able to face whatever.” That is still her favourite line.

She was proud of my grades, and always enjoyed collecting my school report or coming for awards day but she insisted that I should always remember that anyone can be smart. That I should never become proud of my accomplishments because anyone else can also get there. She emphasized that I become successful yet humble, willing to help others whenever I can.

She labored to make me independent.

“Don’t let this last born nonsense get into your head girl!” She would always say, whenever I wanted to be babied. I even recall asking her if she was really my mother! (Umm yeah.) And so I learned to live apart from mummy and not be overly dependent on her; she would veto my camp outs (after fights, tantrums and tears of course), and school trips that required me to spend days away from home because she wanted me to be ready for anything.

Speaking of being ready for anything, I thought it would be wise to learn how to ride a bicycle but the odds weren’t in my favour and I have a permanent scar on my head to show for it. Guess who ran around hospitals in the night? Yep, mommy dearest. Ask me again if I can ride a bike.

So she distracted my attention from learning how to ride bikes to getting there on time so that you wont need a bike.

 “What time is it from where you are standing? Clearly we are not using the same watch. You don’t learn at your grandpa’s school (recently it has been ‘you don’t work for your grandpa’)!” That always woke me up. There ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why I always wake up at 5… well not always but 5am nonetheless.

My mother believes in rising early, doing your chores and getting there on time. She believes in giving everything your best shot. She believes that you are late because you wanted to and not because dynamics worked against you (I’m still learning and appreciating this though.)

She is trying to mold me into a Proverbs 31 and that is a welcome move.

Another favourite line:

“It is 7:30pm. Where are you?”

I can only stay out late if it is work, school or church.

“I was beginning to think you were with my son-in-law.”

“Oh mummy, son-in-law, do you want me to get you one?”

*Face changes*

“Can you just concentrate on school and stop this nonsense! I want you to get a good man… [Indiscreet chatter].”

Because she was constantly saying no to me dating, I asked her what her ideal son-in-law was and you guessed right: God fearing and bloody hard-working!

“You should never have to suffer! If he puts God first, he’ll respect you.”

I sit there listening and crossing boxes on some folks I meet but she immediately stops talking and throws in a ‘how is school?’ as a ‘chill’ signal.

It is my mother’s birthday and I thought I could pen down who she is to me and recount the memories of what she has taught me. In case you don’t have a mom, my mom can be your mom and I’m not even joking (there was this one time when she took in a random girl she met on the street and fought so hard to get her reunited with her family. Guys, I was raised by an angel!)

My mum is simply the best! No shadow of doubt. And for the record, I tell her these things on a daily basis because words of affirmation and quality time are her love language!

Happy birthday to the best mum. My hearthstone.

This Isn't Zambia

 This isn’t Zambia

The Creator made her gold. Solid gold. She was pure, beautiful, endowed with aesthetic appeal. We loved her, it was a wonderful feeling to belong to her. We called her home.

The spirit of Ubuntu reigned. We operated in concert and sung her anthem with a reverberation of a genuine sense of belonging. We stood definitely proud and wonderfully free.

But, her beauty lured some. Her healthy face, succulent and full breasts made them lust after her. They joined us as we praised her; they sung so beautifully, we were sold.

“They must have good intentions…”

And just like that, we let them in.

But alas, they raped, defiled, mutilated, and harassed our once virgin beauty. She was left broken and bare without the sparkle of health.

This isn’t Zambia.

Our once beautiful home has been turned into a painful desert, with nothing but weeds, twigs, bushes and shrubs.

The air is laden with corruption, disrespect for rule of law, disregard for human rights. There is freedom of expression, improperly so-called but no freedom after expression. There is a miasma of barbarism, crimes against humanity, cruelty and insensitivity.

The homeless have their shacks taken away; the orphans have their parents taken away still. Yes, even the little they have is taken away. The poor get poorer while the rich get richer.

Propaganda is rampant. Black is made to pass off as white? This isn’t Zambia.

We are made to beg for what is rightfully ours because selfishness has crept into our hearts. The ones meant to protect, hurt and kill instead. The lighthouse is covered by storms so that it fails to give light to the poor wayfarer.

The young who will be the leaders of tomorrow are mercilessly taken away for airing out their grievances.

One day, they committed a huge crime. They took away an innocent heroine who was a victim of circumstances. Her blood cries out from the ground. It demands justice. In a land so free, or so they say, no one should never have to beg for dear life.

Was Zambia at war? Did we have an intruder sent to disturb peace? Was she an enemy? Hell no, why then did she have to die a martyr’s death at the hands of the chosen protectors? This isn’t Zambia.

‘Stand and sing of Zambia, proud and free?” proud of what? Free from what? The caged bird doesn’t sing of freedom. Landlocked in spiritual, political, social, economic and religious poverty; hiding behind a religious garb to cover our sins and cowardice.

The flag that once gave us pride makes us shudder.

The green that once stood for our resources has turned brown due to the change in the intellectual climate. The red that stood for the blood of our freedom fighters now stands for the innocent souls that have died at the hands of the so-called protectors!

The eagle doesn’t fly anymore; it’s dancing with chickens.

The Ubuntu in the black color is gone!

Our selfishness and short-sightedness has ruined us; our virgin damsel is ruined all because we couldn’t distinguish between love and lust. This isn’t Zambia.

This is not a political agenda; it’s a moral cry for social justice!

We have lost our beloved! The image we have now is not Zambia. It may look like it, it may even smell like it but this isn’t Zambia!

Our beloved is lost… but we must fight to restore whatever has remained; try and give her beauty for ashes.

We are in a mess but definitely not out of the Creator's mercy.

This isn’t Zambia, but it can be.

My Lover, My Friend

He was in my circle and we were friends, good friends, maybe even best friends. We met through a mutual friend and quickly grew closer than “a brother.” There were times when I considered him as more than that but he was way better as a friend. Well, they say marry your lover and your friend but right now he was just a friend, not too sure about lover.

I helped him choose his girlfriends, gave ideas on how to sustain the relationship but when it failed as all others did, I was there, helping to pick up the pieces. I let him cry on my shoulder, I let him keep me up at night because he wanted to talk to someone. Somehow, I felt the resurgence of my feelings but I thought myself too strong to handle it and control it.

And so we continued spending more time together; I was helping him through the break up after all. We went shopping together, had ice cream, watched movies or played chess. He was so happy, and that made me happy.

People eventually started asking about us.

“We are just friends,” I responded, but deep down I hoped we weren’t.

One day, we decided to talk.

“I seem to have a way of ruining good things, don’t I?” he asked.

“Well, you know the song… ‘If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life…’”

“’Never make a pretty woman your wife…’ haha. Well, are you saying I’m miserable because I go for the pretty ones?”

“Just look at her. She’s drop dead gorgeous. You know, I wonder, what really went wrong?

“Gorgeous she was. She was also very caring, loving and all that. It is just that we were incompatible on a number of things and before you say it, I knew all this before we started dating. I just hoped that the more we knew each other, the easier it would get. Clearly not and here we are!”

“So what would you rather have, a trophy wife or peace of mind?”

“I want both.”

“No you can’t have both; well, you can but it’s rare.”

“It’s rare, but very possible.” He said the last line with an air of flirtation and leaned in. My head was hot, I pulled back.

“So which one do you think you are?”

“This is not about me.”

“Which one do you think you are?”

“You know what…”

“WHICH ONE ARE YOU?”

He wore a serious face as he asked the same question for the third time. I could feel myself getting emotional and tears almost dropping. This was a defining moment.

“None... well at least for you.”

“There! You are doing it again. Downgrading yourself and thinking you are not good enough…”

“Well, do you blame me? You make it so impossible for me to feel good about myself. I am both to someone else, or even one to another but I’m none to you. None.”

“Well, I never said that.”

“Then why haven’t you…? You know what, never mind. Stop thinking with your emotions.”

“I know you will pin this on my emotional imbalance but trust me, I say this with a sober mind. You are the trophy, the peace of mind. Sometimes I wonder where we would be if I chose to let what I feel have free rein.”

“What do you mean?”

He drew in and fixed his eyes on mine. I felt hot again.

“Well, maybe this is not the right time for this discussion but just know that I have always had you as a friend, but something within me has wanted you as a lover too.”

There it was. He said what I had wished for all this time. There it was!”

***

I see the picture of that beautiful day every day in our living room, hanging next to our wedding frame. My friend had become my lover. Everything had happened as I had imagined. I found love, true love; love that made me walk down the aisle and make a vow to be a lover and friend for all seasons.

I found my beloved!