My Lover, My Friend

He was in my circle and we were friends, good friends, maybe even best friends. We met through a mutual friend and quickly grew closer than “a brother.” There were times when I considered him as more than that but he was way better as a friend. Well, they say marry your lover and your friend but right now he was just a friend, not too sure about lover.

I helped him choose his girlfriends, gave ideas on how to sustain the relationship but when it failed as all others did, I was there, helping to pick up the pieces. I let him cry on my shoulder, I let him keep me up at night because he wanted to talk to someone. Somehow, I felt the resurgence of my feelings but I thought myself too strong to handle it and control it.

And so we continued spending more time together; I was helping him through the break up after all. We went shopping together, had ice cream, watched movies or played chess. He was so happy, and that made me happy.

People eventually started asking about us.

“We are just friends,” I responded, but deep down I hoped we weren’t.

One day, we decided to talk.

“I seem to have a way of ruining good things, don’t I?” he asked.

“Well, you know the song… ‘If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life…’”

“’Never make a pretty woman your wife…’ haha. Well, are you saying I’m miserable because I go for the pretty ones?”

“Just look at her. She’s drop dead gorgeous. You know, I wonder, what really went wrong?

“Gorgeous she was. She was also very caring, loving and all that. It is just that we were incompatible on a number of things and before you say it, I knew all this before we started dating. I just hoped that the more we knew each other, the easier it would get. Clearly not and here we are!”

“So what would you rather have, a trophy wife or peace of mind?”

“I want both.”

“No you can’t have both; well, you can but it’s rare.”

“It’s rare, but very possible.” He said the last line with an air of flirtation and leaned in. My head was hot, I pulled back.

“So which one do you think you are?”

“This is not about me.”

“Which one do you think you are?”

“You know what…”

“WHICH ONE ARE YOU?”

He wore a serious face as he asked the same question for the third time. I could feel myself getting emotional and tears almost dropping. This was a defining moment.

“None... well at least for you.”

“There! You are doing it again. Downgrading yourself and thinking you are not good enough…”

“Well, do you blame me? You make it so impossible for me to feel good about myself. I am both to someone else, or even one to another but I’m none to you. None.”

“Well, I never said that.”

“Then why haven’t you…? You know what, never mind. Stop thinking with your emotions.”

“I know you will pin this on my emotional imbalance but trust me, I say this with a sober mind. You are the trophy, the peace of mind. Sometimes I wonder where we would be if I chose to let what I feel have free rein.”

“What do you mean?”

He drew in and fixed his eyes on mine. I felt hot again.

“Well, maybe this is not the right time for this discussion but just know that I have always had you as a friend, but something within me has wanted you as a lover too.”

There it was. He said what I had wished for all this time. There it was!”

***

I see the picture of that beautiful day every day in our living room, hanging next to our wedding frame. My friend had become my lover. Everything had happened as I had imagined. I found love, true love; love that made me walk down the aisle and make a vow to be a lover and friend for all seasons.

I found my beloved!